I know this is quite depressing to read but I think this will help us to understand the feelings and emotions that come as a result of suicide- or at least help us to create the atmosphere. the stories are of people who have witnessed or feel responsible for their husbands/fiancés suicide :( the bold bits are the things I thought were most relevant or important!
Posted 22 January 2014 - 12:25 PM
My husband shot himself sept. 28, 2013 and it is my fault. He should have shot me too as the pain, guilt, shame and loss is too unbearable. He was dealing with my alcoholism for the past 4 years. I was dr. jekyl/mr. hide. He loved me and tried to help best he could. He gave me a wonderful life, a beautiful home, amazing Pug but for some reason I could not break my addiction. We eventually broke up for 5 months and I moved back in May of 2013 only to find him depressed. We tried to work things out but, I could not let go of the women he had while we were split even though he was willing to forgive me for my problem in the past. I started drinking again and would nag him constantly while he was depressed, feeling guilty for not helping me more and how he threw me out. We had to put our Pug down just 2 months before my hubby passed. He needed me, he was scared about the meds he was taking, a personal issue that terrified him, he did not feel well, not sleeping BUT my selfish, self centered, disgusting self nagged him the day he shot himself. We had an arguement the day he did it. I drove him to the ground. He should be here not me. I should have shot myself, and I do still have the feeling and want to die. He was a great man loved by many, extremely successful, kind, loving. I deserve every shitty feeling, pain and thing that comes my way. I disgust myself for all he did was love me. People tell me it was the meds, depression ... no. It was me and I will never forgive myself for doing that to him. He did not deserve that. Someone told me he loved me too much. They're right. I should have stayed away. He would still be here. I pray he is with God, our Pug and his dad.
My husband shot himself sept. 28, 2013 and it is my fault. He should have shot me too as the pain, guilt, shame and loss is too unbearable. He was dealing with my alcoholism for the past 4 years. I was dr. jekyl/mr. hide. He loved me and tried to help best he could. He gave me a wonderful life, a beautiful home, amazing Pug but for some reason I could not break my addiction. We eventually broke up for 5 months and I moved back in May of 2013 only to find him depressed. We tried to work things out but, I could not let go of the women he had while we were split even though he was willing to forgive me for my problem in the past. I started drinking again and would nag him constantly while he was depressed, feeling guilty for not helping me more and how he threw me out. We had to put our Pug down just 2 months before my hubby passed. He needed me, he was scared about the meds he was taking, a personal issue that terrified him, he did not feel well, not sleeping BUT my selfish, self centered, disgusting self nagged him the day he shot himself. We had an arguement the day he did it. I drove him to the ground. He should be here not me. I should have shot myself, and I do still have the feeling and want to die. He was a great man loved by many, extremely successful, kind, loving. I deserve every shitty feeling, pain and thing that comes my way. I disgust myself for all he did was love me. People tell me it was the meds, depression ... no. It was me and I will never forgive myself for doing that to him. He did not deserve that. Someone told me he loved me too much. They're right. I should have stayed away. He would still be here. I pray he is with God, our Pug and his dad.
Hi Leyla,
I lost my darling Joe to an intention overdose on Christmas night. We had a fight. I didn't answer his texts or phone calls. Your story and mine are so similar.
I loved him more than I've loved any man. He was so unique, I'll never find another man like him. So I'm pretty certain I'll be alone the rest of my life (I'm 57).
I am a dichotomy of emotions — so pissed at him, I can hardly see straight, yet I miss him so much that he seems to be with me throughout every day and night. I'd give anything — anything — to have him back. We were planning to marry last month or perhaps this month, May. At least, sometime in the spring or early summer.
I've been through a variety of hells in my life, but never anything like this. I can't imagine every being content again; there will always be a hole in me, like my shadow has fled me or like I have no reflection in the mirror.
I lost my darling Joe to an intention overdose on Christmas night. We had a fight. I didn't answer his texts or phone calls. Your story and mine are so similar.
I loved him more than I've loved any man. He was so unique, I'll never find another man like him. So I'm pretty certain I'll be alone the rest of my life (I'm 57).
I am a dichotomy of emotions — so pissed at him, I can hardly see straight, yet I miss him so much that he seems to be with me throughout every day and night. I'd give anything — anything — to have him back. We were planning to marry last month or perhaps this month, May. At least, sometime in the spring or early summer.
I've been through a variety of hells in my life, but never anything like this. I can't imagine every being content again; there will always be a hole in me, like my shadow has fled me or like I have no reflection in the mirror.
--Stargazer2011
Posted 13 March 2013 - 02:05 AM
HI,
I can so relate to what has happened to you.My fiance commited suicide in front of me on the 4th Jan 2013.He left behind me and our beautiful 4 month old son.I cry everyday.Its hard to find people to talk to who understand.I go through blame,anger etc all the emotions get flooded at me all at once.He had a mental illness but would not except he had it.I miss him every minute of everyday.I dont blame him,i blame me for not being able to help him.I go through the what ifs over and over.
Posted 13 March 2013 - 02:05 AM
HI,
I can so relate to what has happened to you.My fiance commited suicide in front of me on the 4th Jan 2013.He left behind me and our beautiful 4 month old son.I cry everyday.Its hard to find people to talk to who understand.I go through blame,anger etc all the emotions get flooded at me all at once.He had a mental illness but would not except he had it.I miss him every minute of everyday.I dont blame him,i blame me for not being able to help him.I go through the what ifs over and over.
Hi Lela,
My boyfriend of five years (rounding up) killed himself three months ago and I still have not stopped crying since. I think I would have set a world record for the longest cry, and it doesn't seem to be nearing an end either.
You're post is the first thing I've read on "surviving" that I have been able to find that I can relate to. I, like yourself, was horrible to my partner during a fight. I was angry over a recurring argument we'd had for a year, indignant, cold, and stubborn, said awful things to him. He was finally willing to compromise on this recurring issue, and by then I was just angry and stubborn and unaccepting. That night was followed by two nights of him being in tears (I only knew this when his mother later told me) and subsequently taking leave from work to go out of town to recover for next two weeks. I knew he had been suffering greatly having unsuccessfully come off of anti-depressants and was having a severe reaction including frequent panic attacks. Yet, I still was unrelenting and unforgiving. After he left I never saw him again.
The night before he died I spoke to him on the phone and he said, "I wish I could just hold you and watch a movie with you." I said, "yeah, well, we can talk about it once you've stabilised." Those were the last words I ever spoke to him. He was like a hurt child, and I was/am a rotten, insensitive, selfish, and awful human being.
I barely have the will to live anymore. I miss him so unbearably. I am so ashamed and guilty that it makes me sick. I don't think I deserve to live after how I treated him. The only thing that keeps me alive is that I have an ill family member that has no one else in the world to look after but me.
All I want, all I could wish for in the world now would be to just hold him and curl up and watch a movie with him.
I am writing you to find out if after over a year later you have found any way to cope with these feelings of shame and guilt, if time or what has helped you if anything, or if it's gotten worse? How are you now?
I hope for your sake and my own that there is some way out.
My boyfriend of five years (rounding up) killed himself three months ago and I still have not stopped crying since. I think I would have set a world record for the longest cry, and it doesn't seem to be nearing an end either.
You're post is the first thing I've read on "surviving" that I have been able to find that I can relate to. I, like yourself, was horrible to my partner during a fight. I was angry over a recurring argument we'd had for a year, indignant, cold, and stubborn, said awful things to him. He was finally willing to compromise on this recurring issue, and by then I was just angry and stubborn and unaccepting. That night was followed by two nights of him being in tears (I only knew this when his mother later told me) and subsequently taking leave from work to go out of town to recover for next two weeks. I knew he had been suffering greatly having unsuccessfully come off of anti-depressants and was having a severe reaction including frequent panic attacks. Yet, I still was unrelenting and unforgiving. After he left I never saw him again.
The night before he died I spoke to him on the phone and he said, "I wish I could just hold you and watch a movie with you." I said, "yeah, well, we can talk about it once you've stabilised." Those were the last words I ever spoke to him. He was like a hurt child, and I was/am a rotten, insensitive, selfish, and awful human being.
I barely have the will to live anymore. I miss him so unbearably. I am so ashamed and guilty that it makes me sick. I don't think I deserve to live after how I treated him. The only thing that keeps me alive is that I have an ill family member that has no one else in the world to look after but me.
All I want, all I could wish for in the world now would be to just hold him and curl up and watch a movie with him.
I am writing you to find out if after over a year later you have found any way to cope with these feelings of shame and guilt, if time or what has helped you if anything, or if it's gotten worse? How are you now?
I hope for your sake and my own that there is some way out.
I lost my fiance about a month ago. Actually I can tell you the exact date,
time, etc, but it doesn't really matter. I feel like the minutes, seconds, and hours take an eternity to pass,
but the days seem to have passed so fast. The whole situation is like two opposing feelings and thoughts and
realities competing with each other. We had been together for 8 years, living
together for all but a few months during that time. It was amazing. Well almost
8 years. We were just shy of our 8th anniversary, but what the hell, I'm
rounding up. The shitty thing is, we ended it with a fight. An argument that
felt no different than any other argument. I thought nothing of it. It had been
so long since he talked about his feelings. In fact he rarely talked about his
feelings. I always had to beg it out of him. I figured we were engaged, we had
a fantastic time over the holidays, we were planning on buying a house,
everything was going well. I was so complacent. And now, now, I feel this infinite guilt. He texted me that night after the argument,
I love you, I'm so sorry. What did I do? I sat on my ass, feeling stubborn as
hell. I wasn't going to give in that easily. What the hell did I have to say
sorry for? Yup, that's right. I just sat there feeling self righteous while he
was tormented. And now, he's gone. Would a simple, I love you, have killed me
to text? I know I didn't physically do it, but I feel so responsible for his death. When I should have been holding his hand and making sure he was okay,
I just ignored him. When he needed me the most, I just sat on my ass and did
nothing. His letter stated he was tired of the arguments, the never ending
cycle of him making "mistakes" and then me fighting over them. I am
so, so sad that he felt this way. I
feel horrible and ashamed of what I did the last night we were together. I just sat there feeling
indignant. And there he was, making his final plans, thinking I didn't love
him, that this was the only "out" he had. What I would give just to
say, you know what I'm so mad at you right now, but I love you. We had said
that so many times before. Why hadn't I done it this time? There are so many
thoughts, memories, going through my head. I knew he had suicidal thoughts and
yet I treated him so poorly. I
could have been a better girlfriend and fiancé. Just a better person. But I
didn't. I am stubborn, a nag, never impressed, never satisfied, over all I'm a
horrible human being. And
now he's dead because I couldn't muster an apology or accept one. He's gone and
will never know what it feels like to be happy. He'll never see his family
again, he'll never take an evening stroll, he'll never grow old.
And here I am. Ashamed, embarrassed, and selfish, seeking some sort of help to get through this. How do you get through knowing that you didn't help someone, someone you loved, get through their terrible time?
And here I am. Ashamed, embarrassed, and selfish, seeking some sort of help to get through this. How do you get through knowing that you didn't help someone, someone you loved, get through their terrible time?
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